Who am I to tell you about dating long distance? I’m not in your relationship!
But let me humbly give you my credentials:
I’ve walked 3,000 miles across the United States, crossing through 15 states, building and maintaining all types of relationships along the way. I’ve lived bi-coastally in two major cities, New York and Los Angeles for over 10 years and my profession has taken me to conferences and events in dozens of cities where I’ve met talented, charming, handsome, sexy, and funny men. I’ve traveled the Caribbean, dated men in over 12 countries and even moved across the world to Greece for a man I loved. I’m on two TV series now streaming on Roku and I’m a coauthor and editor of #1 Amazon bestselling book The Wild Life: Success Stories from Rulebreakers, Outliers, and Trendsetters. So, I have a lot to say on the topic of dating and loving wildly, especially long distance.
Types of Long Distance Relationships
The first thing that’s critical to remember is that not all long-distance relationships develop the same way. We often think about a “long-distance relationship” as if it’s a square box with very neat parameters, but that’s very far from the truth. Especially in a post-Covid, digitally advanced world. If you are someone who has ever considered long-distance dating, some of the common factors which might shift your analysis of potential success include:
- Did you meet online or in-person?
- How long did you date in person before becoming long distance?
- Where do you each live (how great the distance is between you)?
- What do you do for a living and what are your available resources for meeting-up in person?
- Why are you chatting and what is the desired outcome of the long-distance connection?
- When is the next big leap in your individual aspirations and plans for the future?
- Who has the most flexibility to change their location?
Taking an honest assessment of your potential for long distance as well as your capacity for risk-taking is crucial to avoid future disappointment in these situations. Certainly, every person and every couple is unique. Writing down your answers to the questions above may help you gauge the bigger picture of the relationship which sometimes evades us when we are in the throes of new relationship energy (NRE) or are wearing rose colored glasses.
Self-Development and Communication
Regardless of your unique circumstances, journaling is a great way to keep track of the evolution of your feelings and plans over the course of your long-distance relationship. Keep in mind that the emotional rollercoaster of being far away from your loved one, whether it’s a new partner or a long-term beloved, can really take a toll on your heart, and your body, too! While not everything that you journal needs to be shared with your partner, writing down your thoughts can provide a solid reflection for how you want to organize and approach important conversations with your other half.
In my own experience with long-distance relationships, I’ve learned that communication is not just about talking; it’s about connecting on a deeper level. It’s easy to lose yourself in this process, especially with the added pressure of showing up for someone so far away. So make sure you continue to focus on your goals, prioritize your health, exercise, eat right, and pursue your passions. Enriching your personal life will also give you a lot more to talk about with your partner.
Here are some actionable tips that helped my international relationship flourish:
- Open Discussions: It’s important to talk about any concerns openly. When issues arise, addressing them promptly prevents them from escalating. This commitment to the relationship by having honest conversations was the cornerstone of our connection.
- Designated Communication Schedule: My partner and I were literally an ocean apart. We had to work hard to set a set schedule for when we talked. This ensured we both made time for each other, making our relationship a priority. We found that having a regular communication routine helped keep our bond strong.
- Active Listening: Listening is as important as speaking. By truly hearing what your partner has to say, you show them that you value their thoughts and feelings. This practice of active listening will help you avoid misunderstandings and foster a deeper emotional connection.
- Honesty and Transparency: Being honest about your feelings and transparent about your lives helps build a strong foundation of trust that can lead to eventually relocating to be closer (what happened in my relationship). Honesty in communication is key to the success of any relationship, but it is especially crucial when distance is a factor.
- Responsive Texting: Everyone has unique communication needs. In my long-distance relationship, when we were apart, we kept in touch largely through texts. This became an issue for us because I wanted texts that were much more frequent and responsive. He was a builder and was often not able to access his phone during the day while on the construction site. This led to a rift in our relationship. But it also presented a challenge for us to solve together and figure out an alternative solution. For example, he would let me send as many texts as I needed and would put a thumbs up or heart on at least one to let me know when he received them. Then we would revisit the messages together during our scheduled video calls. By assessing your individual communication styles and needs instead of blaming each other for being too communicative or not enough, you can also find a solution that works for you.
- Planning for the Future: It’s not easy to be far from your partner, but talking about your future together can bring you hope and excitement. It serves as a reminder that the distance is temporary and that you are working towards a shared goal. In the case of my long-distance relationship, we both knew that even when we reunited in person, the relationship may not last more than the length of my visa (one year). So we set the expectation early on. Future planning for us was more mid-term planning, like what trips we would go on while I was visiting him. Set your own expectations and make plans with your partner based on your unique situation so you can both enjoy your time together as much as possible with as little pressure or disappointment as possible.
- Conscious Uncoupling: Not every relationship is meant to last and that can be especially true with challenging long-distance relationships. Prepare yourself in advance for the possible heartbreak and logistic ramifications of a breakup. I knew that my long-distance relationship would not last more than a year, so I had an emergency fund prepared for a return flight home. Sadly, in the throes of our NRE, hoping I was wrong about our agreed upon relationship term, I spent it. Nearly stranded in a foreign country, I was not only left with heart ache, but with a challenging financial circumstance, to say the least. If you do try to make it work in person, make sure you are not relying on your partner for your survival, and are always prepared to support your return home, or their sudden exit from your home (especially if you plan on splitting the bills).
Keeping the Love Alive
While you may not always be able to predict the future, you can take an honest look at the reality and make choices that align with your values. For example, you might use the framework of the 5 Love Languages to help you. If you are a person who strongly values physical touch and quality time, a long-distance relationship may not work for you. But if you love words of affirmation and gifts, there are many creative ways to make a distance or virtual relationship feel exciting.
Here’s a few:
- Themed Dinner Nights: This is an amazing way to feel close even when you are far apart. Once a week, my partner and I would choose a theme and either cook the same cuisine or order it. We dressed up and played music to match, making it feel like a real date night. It’s also a delightful way to explore new cultures and cuisines together. Cooking and meal time is an essential part of non-physical intimacy in relationships. Sharing these special moments a distance can become something you share a long-term bond over when you are able to be together in person.
- Interactive Activities: Engaging in activities or online games like Words with Friends or Monopoly, or chess can bring intellectual stimulation and excitement. The quick and easy version? Sharing news articles or even funny memes, emojis, and GIFs throughout the day can help you feel a lot more connected. This lets your partner know you are thinking about them even when you may not have the time to send a longer message or talk on the phone.
- Shared Experiences: In today’s digital world, there are so many ways to share your daily life with your partner from far away. In my relationship, we used Google Photos to create shared albums, documenting our daily lives and special moments. I always took screenshots of our video calls and meals, too. This helped us feel more connected. Whenever one of us was out exploring a new city or venue, we would dial the other in to share it with us, too! You can even try this while doing daily activities like laundry, dishes, or grocery shopping. These shared experiences not only strengthen connection but also can really make you feel like you are building a life together, even from afar.
- Surprise Packages: Even if gift giving isn’t your main love language, who doesn’t love receiving gifts from their partner? My beloved and I decided to create our Amazon wishlists so that we could randomly uplift one another, which worked wonders for our relationship. This is a simple yet effective way to enrich each other’s lives. Whether it’s a care package of a few small items, like word magnets for the fridge and some new spices for the kitchen, or a bigger gift like a new luggage set for your next visit, these thoughtful mementos keep the spark alive and give you a great excuse to stay in gratitude and joy during your video calls.
While I’ve had several other long-distance relationships, the time I spent on video chat with my beloved from Greece will forever hold a special place in my heart. We became so comfortable with each other that we would lounge together on the phone, him smoking a cigarette while I talked for hours about my day. And yes, we would do distance-dirty-talk and more! Although we are no longer together, I would say that our long-distance relationship totally worked and was a successful one. We set expectations early on, we enjoyed the communication we had and time spent together, and as a bonus enjoyed several months living together in love.
It is up to you and your partner to create the container for what it means to “Go the Distance.” Whether it’s more of a pen pal relationship, a daily video call, a cyber buddy, a weekend whisperer, or a long-term love affair, you can define what success looks like, together.