My name is Brittany and up until the age of 30, I had no idea that I had a disability. I just thought everyone flaps their hands when they’re unhappy, cry when people chew loudly, and shudder at the thought of holding eye contact. I still can’t help but roll my eyes at the people in charge who didn’t diagnose me earlier.
That said, I’ve had thirty years to concoct the most epic mask this world has ever seen in order to get through social and professional interactions. It helped me figure out when to nod, when to laugh, when to tell a personal story, and when to just shut up. But truly, I endured years of confusing and distressing incidents while taking shelter in a very tiny box. I was married to a man who didn’t care for me, working 12 hour days in the entertainment industry, and miserable as hell in a life that didn’t fit my needs.
Dating on the spectrum is an enormous challenge and relationships – in any capacity – have been unreliable up until now. It’s been a hell of a time learning to identify those who are trustworthy from those who are ready to swoop in and take advantage of my neurodivergent, empathetic, and loving self. While it might come naturally to neurotypicals, detecting emotions with my alexithymia is a skill that I’ve had to learn over time. For me, it looks like sonar. I’m constantly scanning a room for emotional changes in order to keep up with the plotline of my own life.
And now dating is supposed to happen through a phone?
There is a literal program suggesting strangers to me and I’m supposed to leave the house and face an overstimulating world for that?
No, no… I don’t think so!
Once I received my autism diagnosis, I felt so relieved. Everything started making sense and, while it took time to come to terms with it, I wanted to start living authentically as soon as possible. Having this goal and this motivation was the very thing that got me out of the house on these dates, even though it scared the crap out of me. And although terrifying, being able to navigate what questions to ask, how to prepare for dates, and learning what works for me has given me the freedom to date more comfortably. Navigating any relationship can be difficult but keeping these tips in mind can make for a smoother start.
ASD Dating Tip #1:
Have a clear goal or motivator for dating
Examples of this can be:
- To practice socializing with people my own age and maybe even make friends
- To make a life-companion
- To find out whether or not I enjoy sexual or asexual relationships
- To find out my sexual identity
One of my biggest goals was to explore my sexual identity, which I had never done before. Keep in mind that the majority of people on the spectrum are also in the LGBTQIA+ community and/or are non-gender conforming. Sadly, dating apps don’t really provide a safe space for queer folk. It’s pretty common to think I’m hitting it off with a girl, only to realize she’s bi-curious and wanting to incorporate me in a threesome with her long-term hubby (who thinks he’s about to become the luckiest man on earth). Not my goal, but thank you kindly for your interest.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves about dating online, but can you imagine how confusing and frustrating something like this is when you have autism? Not only am I actively messaging people (an impressive feat, to say the least), but I’m having to interpret the nuances of dating on top of it all. If you’ve got a neurodivergence, then you know exactly what I mean. This is what my AuDHD brain sounds like while trying to reach out to a girl through a dating app:
The only way to get a date with someone is by messaging them. That’s a lot of pressure. Okay, so what do I say? Should it be sexy or should it be a question? If it is sexy, I might come off as creepy. Also, what the hell would I even say? “How you doin’?” isn’t exactly in style anymore. Okay, so let’s say I ask them a question: I need to make sure that I ask them something that makes me seem intelligent. Oh SHIT… What happens if I ask them a question and then they send something flirty back? Maybe I should just say “hey”? Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
ASD Dating Tip #2:
When messaging people through apps, it’s best to ask them a clarifying question about something you noticed on their page
Let me tell you why:
- It shows that you are looking to communicate with them
- It lets them know that you are interested in them and something that they like
- It’s a great ice-breaker
- It’s an opportunity to comment on something in which you might share a common interest
Examples of this:
- Hey, you look great in that photo with the piano! Do you play? (bonus points for squeezing in a compliment)
- Awe, what a cute dog! What’s their name?
- I saw that you’re into Harry Potter. I don’t know if you’re into gaming, but have you ever played Hogwarts Legacy?
I think the lack of authenticity and transparency is the biggest challenge with online dating. The inability to interpret tone and someone’s intentions through text causes me to doubt not only what they are saying, but my own abilities in communication.
Even while on the date, it’s challenging to sense whether or not I’m enjoying myself with all of the mental work that my ASD brain has to accomplish to get through the date. With autism, I’m having to learn a stranger’s verbal and physical social cues, handle a sometimes-over stimulating environment, while maintaining a normal conversation. Which leads me to my final piece of advice:
ASD Dating Tip #3:
Ask them out and plan the first date somewhere familiar and not over-stimulating
Here’s why:
- Being over-stimulated on a date is a good way to end up in a meltdown afterwards.
- By having the date somewhere that’s familiar, it removes a bit of the mystery in what will occur on the date.
- This is a good way to try to feel comfortable and in control while on the date.
Examples of places to go on the date:
- A picnic at a park nearby that you like to walk around in. Nature is a great way to spend a first date if you have good weather!
- Walking through a (not busy) museum together. There will be many things to talk about and you can even pick a museum that features some of your common interests as a bonus!
- Your favorite coffee shop down the street. Because, coffee.
Places to avoid:
- Busy bars or restaurants – You will have to interact with nearly a dozen people, including your date. You have no control over the lighting, music, or loudness of the other people around you. There is the factor of ordering and worrying about whether or not your date is happy with their order. Save this for date two or three when you feel a bit more comfortable.
- Movie – It may be nice to zone into a film for 2-3 hours, but how are you going to get to know this person if you’re sitting in a dark room and not talking?!
- Concert – Along with being over-stimulating and involving large crowds, this is a date idea for much further down the road than a first date.
Dating can be scary, but it also could be exactly what you need in order to grow and meet your next best friend or your soulmate. The most important part is to try and have fun while trusting the process! Trust me when I say, it paid off for me. I went through the process, sat through a lot of boring dates, but eventually met the love of my life. On our dates, everything felt easier with her and we had so many common interests. I’m really happy that I listened to this voice in my head telling me, “Trust your gut”. She’s neurodivergent af, just like me, and I feel like the luckiest girl every morning I get to wake up to her. You never know until you try, so try! I believe in you!
And let us know in the comments below on which if you try any of these hacks, or what has and hasn’t worked for you.